I insist on being shocked
On news and coping.
Hi Folks,
Recently I read the following quote by Toni Morrison and I have been thinking about it ever since:
“I insist on being shocked. I am never going to become immune. I think that’s a kind of failure to see so much of it that you die inside. I want to be surprised and shocked every time.”
It feels difficult, to me, to be shocked lately by any piece of news that comes my way. It feels difficult to dredge up a proper reaction, to even know what that reaction ought to be. This is a consequence of the digital age— we are constantly aware of everything going on not only around us but around the entire world. We are awash with information, and sometimes it can feel that information is a double-edged sword. That with knowledge comes pain, comes heartbreak. And we are only capable of handling so much heartbreak. At some point we close off. We shut down. Today I am thinking about the difficulty— and necessity— of not shutting down.
At the worst moments of my depression, I was completely numb to everything around me. I did not feel pain, but I also did not feel happiness, joy, connection. I remember deciding I wanted to make an active effort to get better, and part of that meant that I would begin to feel something about my life. I did not care whether it was good or bad. I just wanted to feel something again. When it happened, the relief of knowing sensation felt like it might break me open. Then it felt like it might make me whole again.
George Eliot once wrote in Middlemarch that “If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence.”
If we were attuned to all that is, it would tear us apart. We hover somewhere between that silence and the constant, incessant noise, and we must live this way to survive. But, I would argue that we ought to live closer to that vision of ordinary feeling, that we ought to make an active effort to be shocked, to not become immune. It will not be easy, to keep our hearts open this way. The easier choice will always be to turn away from empathy, or to say that we have reached our empathetic limits, our full capacity. It is almost always easier to not care. We must care.
Today is Giving Tuesday, and it is likely you will see constant emails in your inbox all day asking about donations and support. As someone who has been working in the nonprofit field for over five years, I have complicated feelings about today, and about the way that movements tend to leverage empathy for capital and financial gain. Make your own choices today about where you give your support, as I will be making mine. Consider donating to mutual aid funds and community groups as much as large organizations. But remain open, and listen to the stories being told. Remain, as Morrison once said, surprised every time. It will only be in listening to each other, really listening, that we will ever make any difference.
This week’s song is Turn the Light by Karen O and Danger Mouse. This is the kind of song that always makes me want to dance, and if you ask me, dancing will certainly be part of the revolution.